I wrote The Memoir of John on toilet paper during the time I was an electrical engineering student apprentice with the English Electric Company in Preston. The reason for starting it appears to be that I sometimes found myself with very little else to do at work. There is an entry in my diary for Tuesday 5 August 1969, which reads as follows:
Morn[ing and] aft[ernoon]: Did NOTHING.
And Thursday 14 August 1969:
[I] took 2¼ hours off in [the] toilets.
The actual writing began on Tuesday 12 August 1969:
Work… [I] talked to Ossy about [the]
H[oly] Sp[irit], after he had read what I’d written on a piece of toilet paper when I went to the toilet. This was in [the] Field Coils Shop. He’s a bit doubtful about the Baptism [in the Holy Spirit].
And there is an entry for Tuesday 23 September 1969:
Work. A lot of time wasted through the inspector I was with taking time off. I went to [the] loo and wrote “memoirs”.
The pieces of toilet paper were originally glued together into a long scroll, but in June or July 1975 I cut them up and stuck them on sheets of paper, book-style.
I revised The Memoir of John (as the first part of “The Johannine Writings”) in 1980; the chapter-and-verse references in red within the text are those adopted for “Johannine Writings”.
I.1.When Stanley Smith
was pastor of the Full Gospel Church, it was decided that we
should have a special meeting, convened
When Stanley Smith was pastor… He
was appointed minister of the Full Gospel Church
in 1951, and to the great sorrow of the church
died suddenly & unexpectedly in February 1969 at
the age of 57. The events related here took place
in 1965.
5
that those wishing to be “baptised with the Holy Spirit could
pray. 2.And it
was a few weeks before the Day of Pentecost. 3.Several people were gathered,
and
10
we began to kneel and pray for God’s blessing. 4.I prayed in my heart and in
whispers, for I was afraid to do otherwise. 5.Then someone put
their his hands
15
on my
shoulders, and immediately I felt power
emanating from the places where his hands touched my shoulders. 6.It was like heat flowing from those
20
places and
filling my whole body; it was like “pins and needles”, and they
flowed and filled me from head to toe, so much so that I could feel
the feeling in
25
my
teeth. 7.And I
was moved by this Spirit to praise the Lord. With every breath, I
voiced praises to God. 8.I was being driven to do so, and
30
yet, I suppose
I could have stifled it, had I wanted to.
9.This experience was new to
me;
I
*———————————* had been told very little about it.
*—* The
text originally read “was uninitiated and”, which may be
misleading.
35
Consequently, I did notunderstand what it is that had been
happening to me.
II.1.Let me turn my mind back to the first month of that
year.
January 1965
40
2.My friend Christopher suffered from epileptic fits.
3.A few days
Epilepsy
Any of several different types of recurrent attack
produced by disor- ganised electrical activity in the brain. The
condition may be in- herited or occur as a result of brain damage
following an injury—either at birth or in later life. An
epileptic “fit” starts when the sufferer has an “aura” of being
dissociated from her immediate environment. There is then shaking of
the limbs on one side of the body, followed by spasms of all the
muscles, with the head being thrown back and the eyes
staring unseeingly upwards. This un- controlled jerking leads to
uncon- sciousness for one or two minutes, during which the body may
continue to jerk spasmodically and there may also be a loss of
control of the bladder. Treatment for epilepsy is by means of
anticonvulsant drugs which suppress the fits. These have to be taken
for a continuous period of time until there have been no fits for at
least three to five years. Then the amount of medication taken
can gradually be reduced.
previously I had seen
him: suddenly, he collapsed on the floor and lay still. Then he
started
45
to twitch; his arms
and legs began to beat frantically on the floor; his teeth ground
together and he growled. 4.After some
time he lay still again, then he started
50
shaking again. 5.Later he gained consciousness again, a
bit shaken and worn out, not remembering what had just happened, and
none the worse. 6.Then why were
these
55
fits considered
dangerous if he felt none the worse? 7.Because one time he had fallen into a boating lake
and nearly drowned; another time he had pulled a
60
pan of water on to
him; one time he had fallen down stairs. 8.These fits endangered his life.
Not to mention
the prejudice of folk against epileptics, and the threat to their
livelihood that they suffer.
Wednesday
Evening, 13th January 1965
III.1.And now we were on our
way to the great city of Manchester
65
on a train.
2.For we had seen a film
on television a few weeks before, from Manchester, where they were
saying that Jesus was alive, and that if people would
70
believe in
him, then their sicknesses would be cured, like Jesus
cured diseases.* 3.And while we had
been
*When
he was on earth in the flesh.
walking from our home town
(2.1.70) or from
Cleveleys to Thornton
Thornton, to Cleveleys,/\I had
said,
15.1.77 passing
King Georges playing fields.
75
“Why do you
not go to this place?”
4.Then, the
next day, he had come round to our house, saying, “We must go
tonight. 5.For I have had a dream,” he said untruthfully,
“where my
“The next day” is
not correct. Read “a few days later”
80
deceased
grandmother appeared to me, telling me to go there.” 6.And I had wondered anxiously whether I should go, but I
had been won over by his strong persuasions, and in
85
addition, my
friend Peter, who was there, had agreed to go along.
7.And the
train got to Bolton, and we took a bus into Manchester. 8.And
we did not know where to go,
90
because we
were alone in a strange city. 9.Then Christopher suggested
that we should go to the Granada studios, for Granada had screened
the television programme. And we agreed.
95
10.But it was only a night
watchman who was there, and he did not have access to the files, and
he could not tell us where this church, “Sharon”, was. 11.So
we walked away,
100
feeling sad.
12.But we did not have anywhere to stay, so we went back
to the watchman and asked him if he knew where we could stay the
night.
13.The watchman suggested
that we might try the YMCA, “which,” he said, “is 100 yards down the
road.” 14.So we decided to take his advice; we walked
about 100 yards down the road,
110
but could not
see it. 15.We walked further, and much further along we saw
it. 16.But to our disappoint- ment it was closed; there was
not a light to be seen in the building.
115
17.And it was after
midnight, so how could we hope to find some where to
stay?
18.As we stood there on the
street corner, a man appeared, walking
120
quickly.
19.As he passed by, we asked him if he knew of any
hotels where we might stay. And thinking for a moment, he said, “You
can come to our flat.”
125
20.Now we did not know
what sort of a man he was, but we decided that we would take a
chance, and so we went with him. 21.At the flat, after
having
130
walked what
seemed like miles into Salford, at the flat there
was a woman,
called Grace, also another man. 22.And Tom, the first
man, whom we had
135
met on the
street corner, had Grace make us some supper. 23.Then we retired to bed; we slept under blankets on the
floor, and they all three slept in a
140
bed in the
same room.
Thursday 14th January 1965 IV.1.In the morning we set
out from there, going, via the studios where we found out the
address of the church, to a Post Office,
145
2.where we sent a brief
telephone message to my neighbours, very confused, for I was not
used to telephones at that time; and also letters home. 3.For
we
We sent
letters home from Bolton, not from here.
150
maintained that we had not run away from home, but had
come with a purpose.
Wednesday 13th January 1965 4.We had left home without
telling our parents that we were going,
155
although we
had left notes. 5.But Christopher’s note
made his parents worry, for it said how he was “going to end these
fits once and for all.” 6.And it
160
rained exceedingly heavily that night, so much so
that my mother nearly would not let me go out that night — I said
I was going to Chris-
165
topher’s house — but finally she relented and I
went out. 7.What a sight we
looked! dripping wet and scruffy. I
170
wore an ancient raincoat that reached almost if not
quite down to my ankles.
Thursday 14th January 1965 8.Then in the afternoon
we did what the man at the studios
175
told us: “Take the 81 bus from Albert
Square.” 9.And we did, and behold, “Sharon, Full Gospel
Church.” 10.To our dismay, however, it was
180
closed; we had thought it would have been open all the
time, but it was closed.
11.So we were exceedingly dis- appointed.
12.But then Christopher
185
noticed a sign in the
church yard; it was a notice giving the address of the Pastors.
13.We read the notice, which gave a
telephone number, and quickly rang the
190
Pastor’s number.
14.Pastor Williams’ wife answered the
telephone; upon our explaining the situation she said that usually
they did not have prayer for the sick
195
midweek, but seeing
we had come a long way, she said that Pastor Williams would see us
at half-past four, which was in an hour.
15.1.77 would see
us for half an hour at half past
four. —Chris
200
15.How long, how eternal that hour seemed! As we
wandered through the slums of Moss Side, we wondered if it would
ever pass.[4]
16.However, soon it was
time, and
205
we were at the
Pastors’ house, standing outside the door. 17.But who should
knock? We were very frightened, and did not dare knock. 18.For
we thought that the
210
Pastor was
psychic, for on the television programme he had dis- cerned what
diseases people had. 19.However, a man arrived at
the house, and after we had
215
explained who
we were, he invited us in. 20.There the Pastor met us,
in a front room, and there we told him how we had come
from Blackpool without our parents’
15.1.77 No, he
didn’t: he went round the back, suggesting that we ring the front
doorbell —Chris
220
knowing it,
and we told him about Christopher, how he had fits. 21.Then
the Pastor bade Peter and me kneel on the floor and pray for
225
Chris; he
stood with Christopher in front of us. 22.He then laid
his hand upon Christopher’s forehead, and commanded the epilepsy
to leave him “in the name of Jesus”.
230
23.Immediately, Christopher
fell to the floor, as if struck down by the power
of God. 24.And we thought he was dead or that there
was something wrong with him. 25.But
235
Pastor
Williams took him by the hand and raised him up, and asked him how
he felt. 26.And Christopher said that he felt easier.
27.And Pastor Williams told Christopher not to say
240
that he
himself had cured him, but to say, “With his stripes”, that is,
those of Jesus, “I am healed.” 28.Then he took us up
stairs, and his wife prepared us some tea,
BAKED BEANS ON TOAST 1.4.75
245
and we ate gladly. 29.Pastor
Williams explained the work of “Sharon” in towns all over the
country where people had been healed by the power of
the Lord.
Barnsley
(bite lip so as not) (involuntary smile)
Substitute the following Pastor Williams
told us that since the showing of the film on television the
church had had visits from people from all over the north
of England. He said, “We’ve had people from Leeds,
Wakefield, Sheffield…” Any moment now, I thought, he’s going
to say, “Barnsley.” “…Doncaster, Barnsley…” At his mention
of Barnsley, I had to bite my lip because I couldn’t help
smiling. — 1980. Chris’s form
master H Ellis Tomlinson or “Toss” as he was called by them, was
known to lampoon Barnsley. He said things like “The
palm-fringed beaches of sunny Barnsley.” Barnsley thus became a
trigger to great mirth between Chris and
me. 6.1.87.
250
30.Going from that place we
were thrilled and happy and overjoyed, and leapt for joy and ran
in our rejoicing. 31.For we no
longer “believed”, as we said; we now
255
“knew”: we
knew that God was real, that he had healed Christopher. 32.Yes,
we knew. How happy the revelation, for that [is what] it was!
33.After this, we decided to return to Tom’s
flat. 34.Tom and those with him were Irish.
In the evening, we
went for a walk round Manchester. Chris remembers “lighting up”
in Marks and Spencer’s doorway.
Friday 15th January 1965 V.1.Then
in the morning we set out, thumbing lifts. 2.A
265
lorry
took us so far; a van took us further. 3.Then seeing a 180 bus, we decided to
get it, and this took us home to Thornton.
270
4.So we were home.
5.The first task was to inform our parents. 6.Mrs
Gooding, Peter’s mother, received us well, as did Christopher’s and
mine. 7.But
275
while at
Christopher’s house, his father, whom we nicknamed Fido, came
in. 8.“Do you want to see him?” his mother asked. “I
don’t
280
know!” was the reply; he
was angry. 9.Then after this we went
to the Police Station, where we were ushered upstairs into
285
the presence
of the inspector. 10.“Don’t smile,” warned a
young constable as we were on our way up. 11.In
the room was the
290
inspector, who
said, “Mr and Mrs Gooding, you may sit here” — (for they had brought
us here) — “but as for you three, you can stand.
295
12.“Now which one of you
is Woodhead? Are you Woodhead?” “No,” I said. “Are
you?” “No.”
300
13.“Then you are Woodhead”
— (which was Christopher’s surname) 14.— “Now, Woodhead,
I’m getting sick and tired of you. This is the third time this year
that
305
you’ve run
away from home. 15.Do you realise that I
could put you away for being in need of care
and protection?” 16.Then he tried to prove
that
310
Christopher
had persuaded us to run away, and that this was our only motive in
going. 17.When we explained that we had gone in order to
get Chris cured,
315
he would have
none of this. 18.Peter was quite strong
in his defence of Christopher. 19.He made us turn out
our pockets in order to prove that we
320
had spent more
than necessary, and so show that our motive in leaving home was just
to run away. 20.Again Peter defied him;
he had left his money at home.
Friday 15th
January 1965
325
21.After this, at home, I
wept because no-one would understand our motives. 22.Also, I was convinced that God was real and that he had
healed Chris, but
VI.1.Two weeks or so after
the prayer meeting where I had first known the feeling of the power
of God, Christopher and I went down to
335
Sharon for
some meetings. 2.And at that time we
were courting Pastor Williams’ daughters. 3.During one
meeting, on the Day of Pentecost, the Pastor asked all those
who
340
wanted to be
filled with the Holy Spirit to go into a room at the back.
4.So Christopher and I went. 5.The Pastor laid his
hands upon me, and I spoke in
345
another
tongue, although I do not recall feeling like I did the first time
someone put their hands upon me.
2.I John have written
of how my friend was healed of epileptic fits by the Lord,
and
355
how the Lord graciously filled me with the Holy
Spirit.
3.I, Peter
and Chris started going to the Full Gospel Church in Fleetwood.
4.We heard
360
of it through a letter sent to us from Pastor Williams of
Sharon. He gave us three addresses, two of which he had crossed
out; the remaining one was Fleetwood.
365
5.We arrived then that
Sunday night. 6.Pastor Stanley Smith
took that meeting, after Barry Hill had led the choruses, many of
which we did not know. 7.Afterwards
370
there was a coffee rendezvous, where there were tables set
up, and where unconverted young people were invited to sit and
talk. 8.A big, muscular man, Richard
375
English, and another, came and sat with us and asked us if
we knew Jesus Christ. 9.This worried me, as did
the appeal that Pastor Smith
had given for
people to come and accept
380
Jesus
Christ as their Saviour: did I in fact know Jesus Christ as my
Saviour? 10.Peter, however, told him that we did, and they accepted us as
Christians.
385
11.Did I in fact know Christ as my Saviour
at this time? 12.When Chris was healed, Peter and I had, at the order of
Pastor Williams, been kneeling. I had prayed,
390
“God heal
Chris”; and when Chris had been prayed for, I suddenly had the
realisation that God was indeed real; in my own words, “We don’t
believe any more — we
395
know!” 13.I think
that was the time when I was born again, because that is what it
felt like: everything seemed new and different. 14.However, appeals by Pastors
at
400
Sharon
and Fleetwood worried me, and my heart beat, and the worried feeling
raged in my stomach. 15.I remember saying to God at home concerning commitment
to
(Note: Find out all
dates of events and date manuscripts.) I have no
doubt that I must, sometime around then, have made my calling and
election sure by calling on the name of the Lord.
VIII.1.Some time later, after I had been filled with the Holy
Spirit, I went to my first prayer meeting. I
410
was sitting and bowed down. 2.Then I sat back.
3.Suddenly, the feeling that I had had when someone had
placed their hands on my shoulders came again, and filled
415
my whole body, and I also shook. How glorious was that
experience!
4.Then
when I was at Scarborough camp, in one of the meetings, the speaker
called for those who wanted
420
to dedicate their lives completely to the Lord to stand on
their feet. 5.This I did, and such a
mighty anointing of the Holy Spirit came upon me that I helplessly
fell
425
back into my seat again with tears of great joy and
laughter.
6.At that
time my joy in the Lord was so great — I was so ab- solutely glad he
had saved me —
430
that
I sometimes just did not know what to do with myself or where to
put myself; it was so frustrating not to be able to find expression
for the joy that I had!
435
IX.1.After these things,
Pastor Smith came up to us (three, I think), and asked us if
we had been baptised if we would be baptised. 2.We
discussed about this, and so agreed.
440
3.At this time my parents
had started coming to the church. 4.My mother, concerned
and a little alarmed that I had gotten so involved (after being
filled with the Holy Spirit) had
445
decided to go
to a Sunday morning service, to which I had not gone that Sunday.
5.Soon afterwards in the Sunday evening meeting she
had got saved; and my father, later,
450
having been to
a number of Sunday evening services, also received Christ.
(Find out the date
when Trevor was converted. Also when he was filled with the Holy
Spirit)
(Find out when Mum
and Dad were converted Poss. the date of my
baptism)
6.So I was baptised. Before
baptism I bore testimony: “I thank the Lord for saving my soul;
after all, look
455
what he’s saved me from!” 7.Then I was immersed in the
w[ater.][9]
8.([Pa]stor
Cartwright, ([…]ther baptised that night.)[10]
Notes [1] This
marks the beginning of “Scroll 1, fragment 1”.
[2] This marks the beginning of “Scroll 1, fragment
2”.
[3] This marks the beginning of “Scroll 1, fragment
3”.
[4] At this point two pieces of the toilet paper Ms. are glued
together. The sameness of the ink and the of handwriting on both pieces,
and the lack of dating on the second, suggest that they were written on
the same occasion.
[5] This marks the beginning of “Scroll 1, fragment 4” (assuming
that the break footnoted at line
204 is not where “fragment 4” starts).
[6] Between lines
330 and 331 two pieces of the toilet paper Ms. are glued together. The
sameness of the ink and of the handwriting on both pieces, the fact that
the shapes of the torn edges of both of them exactly match, and the lack
of dating on the second piece, are ample evidence that they are part of
the same fragment and were simply truncated to fit on one page when I cut
them up and stuck them on sheets of paper.
[7] This marks the beginning of “Scroll 1, fragment 5” (assuming
that the break footnoted at line
204 is not where “fragment 4” starts,and that the argument footnoted at
line
330 is sound).
[8]
At this point two pieces of the toilet paper Ms. are glued together. The sameness of the ink and the of handwriting on both pieces, and the lack of dating on the second, are evidence that they were written on the same occasion. A note attached to “The Memoir of Yahweh-is-Gracious” mentions an “excised piece, cut from fragment 5 of scroll 1”. [Scroll up from this link to see the note.] The excision probably occurred at this point. The missing text, as copied in “The Memoir of Yahweh-is-Gracious”, is given below. I have made one change from memory [bracketed] to restore the text. The copy in “The Memoir of Yahweh-is-Gracious”, however, omitted additional lines, written to introduce Hebrew-style parallelism into the text; these additions are now lost, and I am not able to attempt a
restoration.
Ah most Noble Strength! I have lost my heart to you, my sister. How will there ever be any one who will compare to you? And what wonderful times we had together! And how you said that you wanted only me! But now I am left with only memories. And how may I forget you, my sweet one? When you have gotten so deep into my heart? What tears, what grief, what despair I have known since you left me! How much I have cried, how much I have longed, and yearned for you! How can I give you up, [O Strength, and Nobility]? For although you go with someone else, my heart still thinks I am the one you go with, and it has never given you up! O the yearning! So much so that I can no longer bear it. Yet I must!
[9]Water: The Ms.
has been carelessly trimmed at the bottom, and most of the word water has been cut
off.
[10]Pastor Cartwright…
that night: This is written upwards at the left margin of the Ms. The
paper has been trimmed at the bottom; consequently the first syllable of
each of the two lines has been lost.
