1967
In the 1966 diary, after the seven-days-per-opening-plus-notes continuation for January 1967, there appeared sections entitled “NOTES” for the remaining months, two months to each page. I wrote this note in the space for NOTES: AUGUST 1967:
Thursday after Aud & I
finished (Aug 3 or 4) had
talk with Audrey ’cos very
upset — understood much
better. She do likes me but
doesn’t like me enough to
go out with me. All this week I’ve
been sad because I’ve
remembered things we did
and hoping to get back to
her. But it’s best the way
we are now.
I also started keeping a diary in a notebook, and wrote the following:
Working Mrs. West
Tue 1, Wed 2, Thur 3
Thursday 3rd August
Have been upset all this week
since Audrey & I parted. After
prayer meeting had talk with
Audrey — v. satisfying — I unders-
tand better now.
Good prayer meeting —
wrote letter to Audrey — See back
Appendix to Diary 1967, p.155
Another day of working for Mrs. West—compare Tuesday and Wednesday.
Good prayer meeting: In the evening I went to the prayer meeting at Fleetwood Full Gospel Church—compare my attitude to this meeting with my attitude to last week’s.
Now I had been suffering from a kind of amnesia about why Audrey and I had “packed up”. We had talked it out on the day it happened, and also the following day; but now almost a week later I was baffled and distressed by it: so after the meeting I had a talk with Audrey, and after it felt that I now understood her feelings and motives. I seem to remember being with her on Poulton Road opposite Manor Road, near the Grammar School fence.
The letter to Audrey is as follows:
Thu. 3 Aug. 67 Letter to Audrey
I just thought I’d write to
you. You probably will think I’m
daft, seeing as [on Thursday] we
had a nice talk about it all.
This is not intended as a romance
letter, and I’m not hanging on
in the vain hope that we could
go out with each other, because
I know that this would be im-
possible. I want to thank you very
sincerely for giving me such great
happiness over this last one-and-
a-half years, and for the joy
that our relationship gave us. On
the Friday that we parted you
said that you thought you were
thick because you didn’t know
how you felt about me. Well,
let me tell you that you did
a very sensible thing — finish-
ing with me — for this reason,
that you weren’t sure that wheth-
er you liked me enough to go
out with me. Thank you again Audrey
for your wisdom! You are very
mature. In actual fact, altho[ugh]
I myself feel very strong affection
and love for you, I can’t say
with ALL honesty that I KNOW
that you are the right one for
me to marry. So you did a
very wise thing breaking up our
relationship. Of course I miss you
terribly — I also miss things
like necking with you at the
bus-stop; I have been very
grieved this week when I remembered
things we did like going to Brock
with you, visiting you at your
Grandma’s at Heysham, for I
know that this can never happen
again. On top of this I have been
tormenting hurting myself with by thinking
that I could get off with you
again. But DON’T blame yourself
for this AT ALL! Don’t torment
yourself by thinking that it’s
all your fault that I am feel-
ing this way. Remember, I WILL
et over it! I hope you will
not miss me too much. May
the LORD give you comfort. I
can say that with all sincerity,
because the thoughts I feel for
you are of the deepest, most
affectionate kind. I love you,
Audrey, in this way:– I feel
warm, deeply affectionate
thoughts about you, and that’s
the way it should be! Al-
though you don’t like me in
the sense that you want to
go out with me, I trust you
have this same love toward
me — this deep affection. I
can assure myself that you
do have this kind of love: it
is shown by the fact that
you DID finish with me
when you found out that you
didn’t like me enough to go
out with me, instead of going
out with me just for pity —
Thank you — it is also shown
by the fact that you are
grieved because I have been
grieved. Oh I love you so much
— not a desire to go out with
you, but this deeper love of
which I have spoken. Please
comfort yourself with these words.
Now may the Lord fill
you will all knowledge of
himself, may your life grow
rich by being in the closest
union possible with himself —
may you be filled with all
joy and peace from him.
I really mean these words, Audrey.
I send all my love to you
Johnx
PS …
A bit embarrassing to read these words again! I can’t remember what was in the “P.S.”
[on Thursday]: The brackets are in the manuscript, i.e. not added by me for this transcript. The letter sent to Audrey would have read “tonight” at this point. Was this diary entry in fact the draft for the letter, I wonder? I ask this because of the alterations found later in the letter; they do not appear to be simply errors made while copying.
My calm acceptance of the situation was only short-lived, before distress asserted itself again, as is indicated by Johannine Writings XXV.35, XXVI.1–9.
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